I often feel lonely.

These days, I’m less distracted than I was when my children were young and needy. And I have a surplus of time on my hands now that I’m no longer “slaving for Jehovah.” That’s a good thing, but a new thing. I’ve also cut off most of my extended family, giving up regular contact in exchange for peace and self respect.

While I have a blossoming ExJW community online, some remaining family, and a couple friends I’ve known for decades… I still get lonely.

I’m navigating perimenopause, an all-too-quickly emptying nest, and the barren landscape after having burned my former life to the ground.

I’m ready to plant some flowers… to make an effort to connect with people… but I hate leaving my house without my emotional support husband. If I were a phone, he’d be the charger… and my battery dies faster than it did when I was new.

I most certainly have CPTSD from the first half of my life. And I struggle to start new relationships where we actually see or hear each other in the flesh. It’s so bad that I even struggle to leave my home or husband to go see the people I’ve already established aren’t a danger. The internet feels like a safer way to connect because there’s a protective wall between myself and the people I meet on Tik Tok, Facebook, and Instagram.

Basically, I’m still healing.

Thanks to all the rejection and abandonment I’ve experienced in life that began with my parents… the walls guarding my heart feel as thick as Babylon’s… I don’t know that anyone can penetrate them. I don’t even know that I have the power to take them down… or that I even want to.

I like being safe.

People can’t hurt me when I don’t let them in my heart… because once people reach my heart… I’m fucked. I don’t give up on people quickly or easily. I’m loyal. You have to fuck me over repeatedly, for years before I cut ties… and when I finally do… it’s usually over something minor. Like a butterfly landing on the front of a car that teeters on the edge of a cliff, sending it over.

I have a feeling I care more for people than even I realize… like maybe it’s not walls guarding my heart… but the ability to sever from my emotions entirely.

Thanks, mom and dad. Abandoning me and missing all those visitations came in handy. I learned to turn off love and connection, so I could function when the people I needed were nowhere in sight.

For all that I share online, and I share a lot… there is so much that I keep to myself. So much that I deal with alone. Because my mind is continually working… it never stops. And my feelings… are all over the place. And I don’t call or text anyone. I don’t even confide much to my husband… I just sit with my thoughts and feelings, alone. And occasionally make a blog or tik tok or Facebook post with a sliver of the details.

What I love about social media is I’m not putting any one person on the spot to show care about me… I’m just sharing into the void and those who choose to show up can. Or not. In this way I think I avoid rejection and disappointment. Alas… in this way, I also remain lonely.

I’m not sure the issue can be remedied at this point. We will see. I’ll keep you posted, fellow healers, if I figure it out!